This pasta feels like my life right now. Fuckful after fuckful of the same boring fucking taste. Yet I can't bring myself to go and put something more interesting in it.

Today I am not having good anything on my sandwich. My coffee is strong. I want to go on a power trip telling everyone to fuck off, breaking their legs with a steel bar. I want to drive my car into a tree to see what it feels like to be launched through the windscreen, to be painted across the asphalt.

Read to be enlightened, fuck to be in love.

I move around them now like deranged married couples avoid their hated one. I conveniently am not here and if I am, I am working.

When I was twelve I put my dick up to a poster I had of a model, like I was expecting to get a blow job or something. Now I read about Zen expecting to become enlightened.

I bought a butt plug once and used it a couple times before I got bored with it, I think I'm just chasing fads for kicks. What happens if I get bored with fucking? What comes next? I mean after you get the kick out of the first time it's all down hill from there.

Everyone's having normal sex, I better meet someone really fucked up; screaming she wants sticky notes on her tits and lettuce thrown in her face.

That'd be a good story.

"Certainty? people like certainty"

People are afraid of certainty
But they ride on it anyway
People run away from certainty
Genuinely tell someone you love them
and they'll go limp like a guy who sees his mother naked
People crave this oh so sort after love and attention but when you finally give it all to them, they don't want it from you.
They want it from the guy they're actually interested in
actually interested in
actually
Relationships are bullshit
Relationships are a form of control

"I disagree, relationships are a form of comfort."

This is not a self help book you fuck

Porn is a form of control
Used by women to demoralise men
Who do you think is running the industry?

Your dick is too small
You can't get her off
You cum too soon
Your muscles aren't big enough and you haven't fucked enough women.

To act you must become the character; to write, you must live in the world.

It's all a little mixed up

I take another long drag of some brand x cigarette and flick it over the banister.

I turn and accidentally tip my beer bottle, I watch it fall to the floor and smash like the porcelain doll did when you were fucking on your child hood homework desk
That sounded wrong.
I'll rewrite that.

If you backspace on a typewriter you can still see where the keys hit the paper.

When you ask one of those really awkward questions, they can't bring themselves to look you in the eye. Maybe if they look away long enough they'll sweat you right out of this fucking awkward situation you've just slammed on them. I didn't think skinny dipping was such a big deal but apparently I'm more repulsive than I thought. I give it a little while longer in the vain hope that she'll agree and I'll get to run naked into the filthy river and swim with her and the jellyfish.

Just before she's about to choke on the silence, I change the subject.

----------------------------------------------------------

She's sitting on my bed and gets the look, the I've got something interesting to tell you look. This one is guy related; I can tell by the way she's looking at me. I'm not sure I want to know. I act somewhat excited anyway knowing she can't tell that I'm feigning.

"I lost my virginity!"

I wait for my chest to tighten, nothing comes. I'm suprised by my lack of reaction because not three months ago I would have bled to death as my heart b-lined for the garbage disposal.

"To who?"

That gay wad self obssessed guy that doesnt give a shit about what you're saying and only cares about his latest venture. The guy that you like because you can't see through his bullshit. You never were very good at reading people.

I get a sick sense of pleasure from knowing you're going to get tossed aside because you never gave me the time of day. I smile a big fuck you I'm happy for you smile and ask her how it went. I don't give a shit but I pretend to care, sometimes it's hard being the listener.

----------------------------------------------------------

It's like jamming a giant "I LOVE YOU" sign in a Japanese woman's face. She doesn't fucking understand what you're saying and quite frankly, she's a little pissed off.

Some people are just blind to real love and attention. Big jaws and American accents seem to be more appealing.

----------------------------------------------------------

Virgin, insecure and uncertain.

Virgin, unkowing and unable, a new born kitten feably getting to its feet barely able to walk.

Virgin, inexperienced.

Virgin, a child.

-----

Unfit for battle, too scared to enlist, shot down in flames; dry at home instead of knee deep in the trenches of sexual warfare; the virgin.

The virgin is not unlike any other meat bag that you'd meet on the street. He has a mouth, eyes and ears; walks like you walk and talks like you talk; he goes to work, he pays his taxes, he meets his friends for lunch; he even goes to parties. The only difference between the normal egopulace and the virgin is that the virgin, has NEVER had sex, ever.

Sex is the right of passage for the modern male. You don't need to drive a car, have a job, or even have a body carved out of wood. If you manage to have sex, you're initiated. Everything else you can figure out later. If you did manage to get laid without any of the above, well played, you deserve a medal son. This medal gaurantess a position above all other virgins in the heirarchy of modern man. What you have achieved however, is seemingly, nothing. Go ahead, inform your next target that you've had a banana split, see how that turns out for you. Whatever you were before, you still are. You are not your sexual status.

Hi I'm Jack Murdoch

This is not a self help book.

You've Found Me, Well Done

Your medal is in the mail.